The ALPHA Gorilla T-Shirt

The ALPHA Gorilla T-Shirt

Because Subtlety Can Suck a Dick

LISTEN UP, YOU SOFT-HANDED BETA MOTHERFucKERS! This isn’t just a shirt – this is a tactical nuclear bomb of masculinity dropped directly on the landscape of your pathetic existence. We’ve created a visual representation of dominance so pure it’ll make your participation trophies spontaneously combust.

What You’re Looking At:

• One absolute unit of a gorilla standing so tall it makes Mount Everest look like a speed bump
• A crown so fucking regal it makes actual kings look like pizza delivery drivers
• “ALPHA” text that hits harder than your dad’s disappointment
• A design that screams “I’m not just in the room, I OWN the fucking room”

Technical Specs of Pure Domination:

• Cotton softer than your last relationship
• Print quality sharper than the edge you’re desperately trying to find
• Colors more intense than your mother’s judgment
• Comfort level that makes other shirts look like wet newspaper

Perfect For:

• Men who eat weakness for breakfast
• Guys who make eye contact feel like a physical threat
• Champions who turn “no” into their personal challenge
• Anyone who’s ever made a room go silent just by walking in
• Heroes who consider therapy “optional”

WARNING – Side Effects Include:

• Spontaneous muscle growth
• Ability to assert dominance in waiting rooms
• Uncontrollable urge to solve problems with pure intimidation
• Random people asking if you’re “in security”
• Making HR departments nervous
• Automatic restraining orders from beta males

Sizing: From “Rising Threat” to “Constitutional Monarch of Don’t-Fuck-With-Me”

Care Instructions:

• Wash when you feel like it (or don’t)
• Dry on the heat of pure testosterone
• Wrinkles are just battle scars
• If it doesn’t smell like pure challenge, you’re doing it wrong

Pairs Best With:

• A complete lack of fucks to give
• Stories that start with “Hold my protein shake”
• The ability to solve problems through pure intensity
• A restraining order from your local planet fitness
• An overwhelming sense that you’re the main character

Note: This shirt is so alpha, it comes with its own warning label. Not responsible for spontaneous job promotions, unexplained increases in muscle mass, or entire rooms going silent when you enter.

Achievement Unlocked:

• Made a vegan cry without speaking
• Turned “no” into a personal challenge
• Achieved maximum threat level without moving
• Became the human equivalent of a nuclear deterrent
• Made eye contact feel like a physical assault

 

Warning: Wear at your own risk. Side effects may include excessive respect, unexplained confidence, and the sudden ability to negotiate through pure intimidation.

.: All  shirts feature pre-shrunk cotton for size retention and a signature sewn-in twill label.
.: Made using 100% U.S. cotton. 

MADE IN ‘MERICA!!!